I remember i the past I had the feeling something evil was in my room. As if my refusal to do the right things had caused an evil force to take residence in my room. In the darkness of the night I could not sleep and I feared to even move. MY eyes where open and alert even though I knew that if there was something there i could not hope to react if it attacked. The fear constantly grew. I did not want to sleep since I knew that whatever it was would surely invade my dreams.

It wanted to scare me it wanted me to cower in fear. It wanted me to give up to the feeling of doubt inside my spirit and the turmoil in my soul.

But...

Instead I got mad. I got out of bed and I stood there waiting for something to happen. Daring something to happen.

I wanted to fight. I wanted to fight it even if my hope of winning was gone completely, I rufused to wait for fear to consume me and cause me to simply give up. And when nothing happened I went to bed and slept well.

That happened twice. The first time it took me about 30mins to work up the nerve to get out of bed. The second time it took about 10.

I have been in two fights in my life. Only one of which I fought back... I beat the guy in two hits. The other I did not fight back at all I simply told on the guy. I sort of regret not fighting back but the situation was too dangerous. We where on the bleachers. Had I reacted I could of knocked him down the steps. He would of surely broken a bone or he could of been killed. If there was another conflict i had been in I do not remember. Well... there was a fight I had with a guy over a video game... but he was being selfish. Dude wouldn't even let a girl have her proper turn. See... I have always been a defender of female gamers

Anyway... the thing I was thinking about was how I don't get serious unless it is in defense of someone else. Had I attacked that due on the bleachers... I believe I would of won that fight. But it would of been for myself. The first fight I was protecting a boy ho was being bullied and someone was trying to steal his bike (well the Velcro decorations on his bike) I helped the boy get his stuff back and gave him back his bike. And I got into a fight for it.

I have yet to have an actual physical altercation with someone i defense of myself. I think I nearly drowned trying to protect my sisters from some guys dunking underwater them at the pool. The guys where "just playing" as my sisters said... -.-. That kind of thinking may be why they got pregnant so early >.> Anyway the guys deverted their attention from my sisters to me and I swallow alot of water. Fun summer days x.x

I think the only time I really attacked someone was in middle school... and it was a girl -.-...

Charyl Magoogen and Dawanda Hawkaday where tall girls that got on my last nerve. Charyl had a bad habit of poking me in my butt when she saw me in the hall. >.< (yeah... that sh*t pissed me off) Not only that she refused to leave me alone. Jokes and smart little comments. I, being me, did not want to hit her. For one she was a girl. Guys don't hit girls. Two... I didn't like fighting. It only caused other people to act unruly. For 2 school years I let this bull continue. Until the end of the 2nd year.I don't know exactly what happen but I ran at her until she got the wall at the back of the class room. Doing a jump kick trying my best to hit her XD (yeah i jump kicked... hey I was young and power rangers was popular) The teacher called my name and I froze then went back to my seat.

The next year after that she tried it again on the first day of school. I chased her down the hall and got her to a wall again. I didn't attack at all I just glared at her for a moment, smirked, and went to class.

I wish I had asked her why she was acting like that. She may of liked me. O.o... would of been weird if that was the case.

Thing is it is taking me too long to care about my own well being. My dad told me one day I would get tierd of being the way I am. I have been tierd of it for a while now but I have yet to change.

I need to motivate myself somehow.

Insults aren't doing it. Begging isn't doing it. Family and frineds don't.

I need to go to bed is late.